


Rain

by Abitfairytailforme



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, Freedom, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kissing in the Rain, Past Pain, Rain, Self-Harm, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-11
Packaged: 2018-10-17 13:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10594851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Abitfairytailforme/pseuds/Abitfairytailforme
Summary: "But you see, in the rain, I feel free. I feel like I'm being washed clean, that I'm refreshed, that I'm stronger and braver. That I can forget about it all."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Wouldn't stop bugging my till I wrote it. Hope you guys like it and it's not too crummy, I'm really tired so there's likely multiple errors for which I apologize.

It was probably 3 months into their relationship, three months of freely examining her, that Alex Cabot noticed something. Her girlfriend, Olivia Benson, loved rain. Not a kind of, it feels nice, I like the smell, or I love the sound, love of rain. Nothing trivial like that. No, Olivia Benson loved rain with such passion, the kind of passion that Alex had only seen in her when helping victims, catching perps. She loved it full heartedly. Alex had noticed that, when in it, Olivia seemed to be calm, at peace, free. It's the case today. They're walking to the precinct and it's raining. Big fat drops that splash on your head and rolls down your nose and cheeks, little splish and splashes being heard. Olivia was smiling, the only one doing so, as she was getting soaking wet. 

"You wanna share my umbrella, Liv?" She asked, trying to walk up next to the brunette and shelter her. Olivia hums happily and slips away from the umbrellas confine.

"No thanks, Love." They walk in silence, Alex under a huge umbrella, easily big enough for both of them, and Olivia walking close, but not close enough to be protected. She smiles so freely.

"Why do you love rain so much, Livvy?" Alex asks. Alex regrets the words the second she sees how Olivia reacts. Like something shattered inside her when trying to find an answer.

"Olivia?" She whispered, stopped walking and putting her lithe hand on the brunette's shoulder.

"I'll tell you tonight." Olivia said decidedly. Alex felt unease at the brunette's alien behavior, but she hummed. Five minutes later Olivia's smiling again in the rain, mildly forgetting about her unease. 

~~~

_Later that day:_

Olivia'd poured them both a glass of wine, however one red, for Olivia, and one white, for Alex. Alex took a small sip of her wine and hummed approvingly. Olivia laughed. "You ought to like it, it's your own bottle." Alex smiled at her girlfriend, but she was haunted by her earlier promise. 

"Olivia, why do you love rain?" Olivia stopped laughing, her expression sobering. She sighed. 

"It's about time I told you." Olivia took a gulp of her own wine. "The only way I can explain it is that it makes me feel free."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Promise not to think less of me after this?" Alex nods, gripping Olivia's hand, rubbing it reassuringly.

"Of course I promise. Unless you murdered people or something like that, I don't think I could ever think less of you." Olivia smiled slightly. It was a bittersweet smile.

"Okay, just don't interrupt me." Alex nodded in understanding. "The truth is I hate water. Drinking it's one story, but I hate it in almost every other form. I hate it because it reminds me of all the tears I've shed in life. The one's I've shed too many times over my mother. All the pain I've wasted on her. More importantly, I hate to shower or bath." Alex's brow crinkles on confusion as her girlfriend showered at least once a day, usually twice though. However she kept quiet, respecting her girlfriend's wish that she didn't interrupt. Olivia took another sip of her wine and sighed. 

"Every time I enter the shower it reminds me of all my pain." Olivia raised her her shirt which revealed the bandage that Olivia always wore. Alex had pondered why, actually asked Olivia one time. Alex hadn't seen it until they were 2 months in their relationship, when'd they started sleeping together. Olivia had worn it the entire month though and Olivia had explained something about it being doctor ordered after a perp hat cut her and it got pretty badly infected. 

"It's not actually true, what I told you. I don't wear it because it's doctor ordered. I didn't even wear it until you'd seen me naked. I just wasn't ready to explain that part of myself. Not yet." Olivia now unwrapped the bandage and Alex couldn't stop the little gasp in time. Olivia's bicep, which, until moments ago, had been covered in the bandage, was littered with little lines. Neat yellow and red lines. Straight, uniform, the marks of a cutter. 

"I've been trying to stop for years, but I still come back to it sometimes. This one's from two months ago." Olivia said, pointing to a fading red mark, the freshest of them all. "It's why I hate showers. I only cut in the shower. Every time I now step into the shower it's like every time I'd stepped in there with the intention of self harm. I feel like there's blades in my right hand and that my left hand is trying desperately to hold on to courage and it always fails." Olivia's crying now, and Alex has pain in her eyes as her own tears threaten to arise.

"But you see, in the rain, I feel free. I feel like I'm being washed clean, that I'm refreshed, that I'm stronger and braver. That I can forget about it all."

"I understand." Alex whispered after Olivia had long stopped talking. "And I don't think any less of you. I may think even more knowing how brave you are, how strong." Olivia looks surprised. "I'll always love you, Olivia no matter what." Olivia looks especially shocked and Alex wonders why until she remembers that they hadn't said, "I love you" yet. Sure, Olivia called her love, but she called lots of people love. What Alex had just said though, it carried a weight neither of them had admitted yet. Just as Alex was really starting to worry about what she'd said, Olivia smiled and pulled her into a kiss, gentle, soothing, loving.

"I love you too." After that, Alex stopped carrying an umbrella. Stopped trying to protect Olivia from the rain. It was an unsaid agreement between them. And more than once they'd gone onto Olivia's balcony just to kiss in the rain and feel free. 


End file.
